I do feel deeply for all the families that have been affected by this. I was just recently deployed to Iraq from March 2007 to June 2008. 15 months can and has taken its toll. I was deployed with a CSH (combat support hospital) in Baghdad, Iraq. My mission was detainee health care that alone was a mind game. On top of that, we where a level 3 care providing hospital so we constantly had soldiers, Iraqi civilians and Iraqi military forces come to our hospital.

 When I first deployed, I felt scared and excited. It didn't hit me that I would never be the same until I experienced the first death of a soldier due to combat in our ER. He was a young man, with a new born child and a loving family. Their lives, along with mine, have never been the same.

Following that we had two young girls, one of 3 years and one of six years, come to us after their own people blew up their house. The 3 year old girl only had minor injuries, but the other child was burned over 75% of her body. While receiving her care, she wouldn't and didn't want to let go of my hand. As much as I was in the way, it kept her calm, so I stayed with her. I stayed with her through surgery and even stayed 4 hours after with her in the recovery room. I refused to leave her alone. Everyone in her family, aside from her sister, was killed that day.

I remember when she started to crash in the recovery room, I had to back away and let go of her hand so the doctors could save her life. She didn't want to let go. They were able to sustain her life for a few more moments, but she died that night holding my hand. I felt the life leave her body. This is one of hundreds of young children, not to mention soldiers that I had to watch die or see severely injured. These are things I will never forget and I see every night in my dreams.

Due to our mission in Iraq, we hardly ever got to leave our FOB, but it was in the cross hairs of the enemy. Imagine a box full of mice; now drop black cats in it. That is what a lot of my days were like. Constantly getting mortared and watching as neighboring FOBs where pounded by rockets and mortars and there was nothing we could do. We can't fire back. It’s those things you never forget.

Sometimes I wake in fear that I am still there. I wake up trying to find safety.  I wake up terrified. I wake up sad that we couldn't do more for people like that little girl and that soldier.

After getting back to the states, I sank down to drinking, feeling depressed and I truly hated myself. I went to the army's mental health program and was treated like "another OIF veteran with problems", like they didn't really care. I was fortunate to find a few that did, but not everyone is that lucky. Actually most aren't. Most are just brushed off like its nobodies problem but their own.

Is that really what soldiers deserve for the things they went through and saw for their country? To just be written off like that? No, I don't think so. It’s wrong and hurtful, not to mention ridiculous. To be told that the army has help, then when you find the courage to seek it, they're treated like 'another vet with more problems" I’ve seen it and experienced it.

I’m not condoning what I did at first to cope with anything. Nor what others have done to cope with or have done because of what they are inside because of what they have been through. What I am saying is that more could and should be done. It needs to be done, it must be done. If anything I hope my story, Nick’s story and the stories of countless others could open the eyes of others to see that. Yes, we are soldiers and we do go into battle. We are trained to highly discipline to follow orders and execute and do what we must for our fellow soldiers and for our country.

What most seem to forget is that we are human, it does affect you, it does hurt, and it does change you. If there are capabilities to help our soldiers, then why aren't they used? What’s with all the secrecy? Why are we written off as murderers and "just some more vets with problems"?

In order to understand, you should step in our shoes and do what we do. But I wouldn't ask that of anyone. We do what we do so you and others don't have to. We bare these burdens for our country. The least that could be done is to care and understand that we're not being taken care of like you think. The army has failed and will continue to drop the ball until someone can get them to do what they promised. More can and should be done about this. Let’s do something to make it so. It’s time for soldiers, vets, and civilians alike to stand and make our voices heard.

--N.G.